Dating Myself

 It has been five months since I went from married to single. I have always been around someone.  This is the 1st time I have been on my own, completely supporting myself, with no one to catch me if I fall.  I will admit, it still feels weird to me. Anytime I want to do something or buy something, my brain still takes a minute or two to register that I don't need to check with anyone about it.

They say that you should wait at least a year before going out into the dating world, to make sure that you can stand on your own two feet. That you are out there, not because you have to, but because you want to. You know that you are okay on your own.

Now me, I'm a bit of a homebody. Even if I do go out, it isn't for long or if it will be for a while, I will ask a pal along. Now, how am I to know more about me if I don't start dating myself first?
Here is the plan for my first date with myself:

*get a hair cut

*treat myself to lunch at a place I've never tried

*wander around the museum and admiring stuff I love

Maybe if I feel up to it, I might even be silly and go play some video games or I might just come home to a movie and cuddle session with my cat. Who knows? This is an experiment to get to know me better and I will also look good doing it, so make-up will be on and I will be rocking some of my favorite jewelry too.  Whether or not it goes well, I am sure I'll be learning something I didn't know before.

I'm Alright, Sometimes

 If I chose one word to describe 2022, it would be hell. I have experienced more, mentally and physically this year than I ever have in years past. And I get asked a lot about how I am doing. My response is that I'm alright. Sometimes, I silently add.

I have moments where I feel dumb, that I can't do this on my own, that I don't want to be strong anymore. If my body reflected the state of my mind right now, here is what you would see: bruises, some fresh and some healing

scrapes, raw and bleeding while others are stabbed

eyes, sunken, with tear tracks leading from them

If you see me, please give me a hug. I need them so much. Tell me about things. Please don't ask how I am. I am crawling along, leaving a trail of mental blood and physical tears behind me.

I'm doing alright, sometimes. 

Friends With an Ex?

 In life, we aren't always handed what we want.  Many go into marriage thinking that they have found the one that they are meant to be with for the rest of their time on Earth.  Sadly, this isn't always the case.

 

Don't get me wrong.  I firmly believe that people can get married once and stay with that one person for the rest of their lives, being truly happy.  I had counted myself as one of those lucky ones until something happened that caused it to end.  I won't explain it here since it is still very painful to think of, let alone talk about.  For those of you thinking that it was cheating, it was not.  But I will say this, something happened to cause the deep, forever love that I had for that person to break into millions of pieces and get swept away in the ocean of grief I found myself thrown into, and washed away into nothingness.

Why do I share this with you?  What could possibly be the point?  I share this because I spent some time talking with that very person today: my ex.  We got to talk, just him and I, without the input of people around us.  I still feel that he is a good guy and deserves to be loved again, just not by me the way that I used to.  I can only hope that he feels that way about me.  We both agreed we could be friends and I truly hope that we can be as time pulls us in different directions.  We both had a great impact on each other's lives, both positively and negatively, and I hope that only the positive stuff remains in our minds as we move on with our lives.

I was watching the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" and there was a line that mentioned something about past loves.  The character said that it was still okay to love that person, even though they were no longer a part of your life.  That every time you thought of them, to send them love and light, then let go.  So that is what I shall do.

A New Road to Travel Down

 In less than 20 days, something will happen in my life that I never would have imagined would happen to me.  I will be walking into the world with no partner at my side.  

 

Now, I know several people who have gone through this phase and all in different ways than mine.  How does one handle facing the the world as an individual rather than a pair? To be honest, I am a little nervous.  I have always had a person at my side to lean on when things got tough.  Now things will be done on my own.  It feels odd.

I'm open to any suggestions from those that have walked this path before.

Bett, Lit, Lizhko, Cama, Letta, Moega, Bed

My darling Bett,

I love your softness and the way you lift me up from the floor.

My amazing Lit,

You allow so much space for Oscar, Ms. Gorilla, Phoenix, Squishy Fox, and myself & you don't care how much we move around in the night.

My beloved Lizhko,

The softness of your sheets feels so nice against my skin as I drift off into Dreamland.

 

My hallowed Letta,

The way you allow me to rest upon you, day or night, with no judgement.

My treasured Moega,

The firm yet soft way your chocolate brown headboard supports me as I lean against it, lost in the pages of a good book.

My esteemed Cama,

I feel so safe when I am with you.

My revered Bed,

I treasure as such an important part of my life.  Thank you for all you do and all you will do for me.

moega - Samoan

bett - German

letta - Italian (feminine form)

lizhko - Ukranian

lit - French

cama - Spanish

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Writing prompt: Use your sense of humor to write a love letter to an object (not a person) or a thing you can't live without and what you love about it.) 

[image uploaded from Google]

From the Ashes

 I stand in a pile of ashes.  Those ashes are all that remain of the life I once knew.  Forces outside of my control have broken my world and burned it to the ground.  And I could do nothing but watch.  

Everything has changed.  I must rebuild and discover who I am again.  Who is the person that I see in the mirror every morning?  What makes her tick?  

Who am I, now that I have to stand alone?  What will I have to face without the strength of the love I once had? Will I be able to survive, to rebuild a stronger haven in which to rest from my trials and tribulations that the world throws at me?  

I am being told that I am strong, that I have done so much to recover in such a short amount of time.  It doesn't seem like it to me.  I am only doing what I need to do in order to make it to the next day.  Maybe that is what makes me strong: doing what I need to do in order for me and Oscar to survive and thrive.

I do not feel like I am in a tunnel of darkness any more, with the full fury of a train baring down upon me.  It feels like I am walking through a forest, at times dense and uncertain, sometimes sunlight streams gently through the canopy.

What the Mirror Reflects

What do you see when you look into the mirror? 

Does the reflection show you things you like? Things you don't like?

What is reflected in your eyes?

Can you see the good that others see? What others love?

Or do you only see what you despise? 

Can You Handle This?

 Friendship is an interesting thing to contemplate. We often think about what we want in a friend and in our friendships but how often do we think about the best thing about being your friend? 

We don't think about ourselves in a positive light, especially me. But I do make a good friend. Here is why:

1. If I consider you a friend, you are my family & I will stand by you.

2. You can always count on me to be honest with you, no matter what.

3. I like to make things for people I care about.

4. Fun mail (letters, postcards, little gifts)

So, wanna be my friend?

Ain't I Tasty?

 This week's prompt was a bit of a noodle scratcher. Marie selected "If you were going to design a pizza after yourself, what would be on it and what would each of those ingredients represent?"

Like her, I probably put too much thought into it. What ingredients represent me? My mind went blank. I could not think of clever responses for ingredients that I enjoy on occasion when the craving for pizza strikes. Talking with Lee about the prompt, he made an excellent point about going with one of my all time favorite pizzas: Canadian bacon and pineapple.

I can hear some of the disgust coming from you readers. But hear me out. This was a pizza much beloved during my childhood. And I'm not talking about the ham and pineapple pizza that so often poses as a Canadian bacon & pineapple. Canadian bacon and ham are NOT the same. The meat comes from two different parts of the pig.

 This particular pizza is not loved by all. Neither am I. It is different, a bit quirky, and liked by a select few that can appreciate it. So am I.

Weird Family Facts

My very best friend Marie and I are bloggers. In fact, she was the one that got me started. Sadly, due to the chaos of life and my own ditziness, I'm not the most regular writer. So, for the holidays, I got both of us a journal of writing prompts. It was Marie's idea to pick one every Wednesday and write. I picked the first one.

Writing Prompt: Do you know any interesting facts about your family history, if so what?

Both sides of my family were never really big on sharing family history or stories of the past. The few things I do know have been thanks to my mom's research of her family. I can recall three interesting stories:

Interesting fact #1: My great grandpa (my maternal grandma's dad) traveled to Montana in a covered wagon.

Interesting fact #2: Apparently, my ancestors have been in the US longer than I thought. I have an ancestor who fought in the war of 1812.

Interesting fact #3: One of my ancestors fled to the US to avoid being forced to join the Army during the reign of Catherine the Great.

40 is the New 40

     I turn 40 this month.  I know a lot of people don't like revealing their age after a certain point, but I am definitely not one of those.  I have been through a lot in my life and I feel that I have earned each and everyone one of those 40 years. 

     In the past, hitting 40 was considered a major milestone.  Lack of food, disease, bad water, childbirth, war; anyone of these could earn you a one way trip to the graveyard.  Hitting that 40 year mark meant you had beaten the odds.  But now, 40 just considers you over the hill, which in this writer's opinion, is the stupidest thing ever.  

    Why not celebrate the fact that you have hit this milestone?  Look back on what you have seen, what you have accomplished, and what you will be able to do.  I have seen the internet go from dial up to high speed on fiber optic cable.  I have gone from recording my favorite songs on the radio onto a cassette tape (which took skill as you had to hit the record button at just the right moment), to making music mixes on CDs, to streaming favorite band/genres.  I have gone from renting apartments, to renting a house, and finally buying a house of my own.  I have loved, lost, and loved to the point of tying my life with another and going through the ups and downs of life together.  I have made friends and lost them.  There have been travels, from one side of the US, to the other side, then to the middle.  All of these things and more have happened since I made my screaming and pissed off appearance (according to my mom) on this blue sphere we all call home.

    The 40th anniversary of something is called the Ruby Jubilee.  Your birthday is just that: the anniversary of your physical entrance into this world.  The ruby is often associated with prosperity and wealth.  It is also said to be a stone of good fortune, not only fortune of the body, but of the mind and soul.  For me, this milestone will be a great time and will hopefully lead to many new and exciting adventures.  If your 40th is approaching, I hope this milestone will bring the same to you as well.

    On the dawning of my Ruby Jubilee, I shall be doing what I want to do every year on the anniversary of my birth: sleeping in, not working my job, and enjoying a plate of tasty Chinese food for lunch.  May you be lucky enough to enjoy your heart's desire on your birthday as well.  

Smooches!