An End to Wars

 After watching the FIFA game of Brazil versus Morocco, I had a thought in regards to war.

Countries start wars over a multitude of different reasons (land, greed, stupidity of leaders, etc). Many people die, both fighters and innocent bystanders, buildings are destroyed, crops wiped out, waters poisoned, & animals are killed and harmed. It is an awful part of the human condition.

What if we could get rid of war and have a better way to solve disputes? My solution: have the country/countries duke it out with their sports team. Since the majority of the world, both men and women, plays soccer, this would be my sport of choice. The games would be held in neutral territory. Both the men and women teams would have to play, with each win earning some concessions in the conflict to the winning country and ties mean both counties need to have an equal compromise. 

I know it is not perfect, but battling out our disagreements on the soccer pitch has to be better than killing one another on the battlefield. 

Being a Beloved

 I have a great love of learning. Any subject that catches my interest, I am happy to dive into it's knowledge. Learning new words is especially fun. In the midst of learning bellydancing, a new word arrived into my vocabulary: habibi.

As some may know, the tradition of bellydancing comes from the region that we know today as the Middle East, a region full of beauty and history. A word that comes up in many songs is "habibi". The definition of this word, according to dictionary.com is "an Arabic word that literally means “my love” (sometimes also translated as “my dear,” “my darling,” or “beloved.”)". It is a pet name, used with family, friends, or significant others. The root of the word comes from the Arabic word "love" and yet it has grown into a word a word that means much more than that.

We, as Americans, use the word "love" in mainly the attachment sense, describing our boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, and wives. With the word "habibi", it seems to not only contain the love we have for those we share those intimate moments with, but platonic as well. 

Love can be so much more that what we traditionally think. When we take into ourselves all the aspects of love, we become richer, in body and spirit. 

So, my habibi, to quote a line from a Shinedwon song "How did you love?"

The Solo Road Trip

 Back in October, I took my first solo road trip since becoming single. It was an 8 hour drive from my home to where my brother lives. He was getting married, so I did what any loving sister would do: took off Friday & Monday from work and drove down.

Sunrise on the drive out

Day 1: The drive started off well. After three false starts, I managed to get on the freeway. It felt weird driving that early on a Friday morning. I enjoyed the morning djs while sipping my hot tea and eating a bagel.  About 30min in, the sun started to rise.

Wow, lots of blinged out cowboy hats 

Spotted some interesting things along the way, including things in the gas stations when I stopped for a potty break. The road trip went a bit sideways in the afternoon.  Sadly, I was not thinking clearly in the drive down and did not have my GPS on the whole time (lesson for next time) and ended up driving 35 miles past where I was supposed to turn to head towards my brother's.  So, instead of getting there a little after 2pm, I got there a little after 5pm. By that time, I was tired and a bit crabby as I arrived at my brother's house. 

I got to see my brother in person after almost 20 years. The sad thing is that he looks older than me, even though I am the oldest. He still looked good and I got my usual greeting of, "Hey bitch". He got his holiday gift early: an RC truck. He missed being able to play with his (they needed parts) so my sister and I conspired to get him one he could have some fun with. It brought a big smile to his face, which made us both happy. After a bit, I left with my sister in my truck and followed my mom to the motel for dinner and some much needed rest.

Day 2: Saturday was the day of the wedding. My mom went over to my brother's house while my sister and I ate breakfast together (mom doesn't do breakfast often). Headed over to my brother's house only to find out that he was suffering from a massive headache. It was nice to finally meet his future wife in person for the first time. We left to go back to the motel for a bit. Had some fun exploring a local gift shop before relaxing & chatting in the motel room.

Beautiful classic car near the motel

After resting a bit, it was time for the wedding. We drove to the venue and took a few family pictures before it was due to start. My brother looked good, all dressed up. He has always cleaned up good. The ceremony was simple yet lovely. It was an event that I never thought I would see but I am so happy that it happened.

After the ceremony, we had a nice dinner, where I got to visit a bit with my stepmom & her husband. Haven't gotten to see them for a while so it was nice to catch up. Got to take a few pictures during the reception but my favorite was one I took at a distance of my brother and his lovely bride during their first dance. In that moment, I could see his face relax from the pain he fights constantly and the look they were sharing with each other was one of pure happiness in the moment. Made me tear up a bit. 

Sadly the night had to end as my mom, my sister and I had to be on the road early the next morning. We made sure we had all our stuff together before heading to bed.

Day 3: Im not sure how early birds do it but waking up before the sun rises has never been easy for me. This time, I made sure I had my GPS running. It was a bit hilly and the cool morning had caused fog in several places. I actually drove through a forest at one point. It was beautiful seeing the sunlight filter through the misty fog and the trees. Sadly, there were no safe points to stop briefly to get a picture.

I had decided to stop at a little town in Missouri that I had seen signs for on my way down to my brother's before going home and I am glad I did: Uranus, MO. They have a HUGE general store were the employees greet you with "Welcome to Uranus!", which made me giggle like a middle schooler. If you ever have the chance to stop here, I wholeheartedly recommend it. I spent a good 15 minutes just giggling at the t-shirts that they had for sale. 

Just one of many that made me laugh

I took a few pictures, found a t-shirt that I just had to have, a few stickers, and some fudge. OMG, the fudge was amazing. So many flavors it was hard to choose. 

I didn't find any missing balls, lol

I broke the law!

So after a little side adventure and a bit more driving, I made it home. Gladys was very happy to see me and required lots of cuddles from her mom. I was grateful for the forsite in taking the Monday after I got back off from work. It is rough on your body to do that much driving in such a short time. I'm glad I took the time to go on this little adventure and I was even more that happy to be a part of my brother's special day. ♥️

13 Books

Came across this particular "tweet" on the social platform formerly known as Twitter labeled 13 books to understand me. I knew I had to write about this since books have been a major aspect of my life since I was 4 years old. They were my saving grace on dark days. 

But the real challenging question is, what books? With a lot of thought, here are mine.

1. Matilda by Roald Dahl - I totally saw myself in Matilda growing up: a different kid who loved books but wasn't really understood by those around her, except for a select few.
2. Chocolate Fever by Robert Kimmel Smith - I was a chocoholic as a kid and still am to this day. It was a great tale to my young mind on what could happen when you ate too much chocolate. 
3. The Silver Wolf by Alice Borchardt - I have always loved fantasy and learning about the past as well. I discovered this book when wandering through my local library, it had me hooked. I could see myself in the main character: a girl different from her family who just wanted to be herself and be loved.
4. Calvin and Hobbes comic collection books by Bill Watterson - This comic always made me laugh and still does. Calvin is a kid with a wild imagination & just wants to have fun with his friend Hobbes. One should always be able to use their imagination to enhance the world around them.
5. Mummies and Cursed objects - This is not it's actually title, more of an overview of the contents of a book that I check out so many times as a kid. I was fascinated by mummies and mysterious objects. Still am as an adult.
6. Teen Witch by Silver RavenWolf - This particular book was the opening that lead me to my spiritual path.  I had borrowed it from a classmate in the 9th grade for a research project and it seemed to turn a light on in my brain.
7. The Joy of Signing by Lottie L. Riekehof - I saw a group of individuals using sign language when I was on a train trip with my family.  I thought it was the coolest thing I had ever seen and wanted to learn more.  This was my first book of American sign language & still sits on my bookshelf today.
8. Summon the Keeper by Tanya Huff - This book was gifted to me by my best friend and it made me laugh so much.  I can quote parts of the book to this day and even after reading it dozens of times, it still makes me laugh.
9. Encyclopedia Britannica - Okay, I am going to date myself with this book, but I had a set of these growing up.  I did use them for schoolwork, like most kids, but unlike my fellow students, I enjoyed reading the different entries. Any subject or question that popped into my little mind, I could find an answer to it within the covers of the different volumes.
10. Mysteries of the Unknown by Time-Life Books - Again, several of the books in this collection were on the shelves of my childhood home.  They held information that, to most people, was weird and a bit odd.  Which was perfect for me since the weirder something was, the more it fascinated me.  It still does to this day.   
11.  The First North American books by W. Michael Gear and Kathleen O'Neal Gear - this series focuses on the different times of the native people of North American.  I have a big appreciation for Native American cultures and this particular fiction series spins fascinating tales while giving piece of historical past.
12. The dictionary & thesaurus - I realize that these are technically two books but many of the bigger (and better dictionaries) are thesauruses too.  As a writer, I love words.  I like using words that aren't used as often in every day life.   I like finding better words to take the place of the common ones.
13. The Elemental Masters series by Mercedes Lackey - This is a collection of different books but what I really enjoy about them is the way she takes the fairy tales that I enjoyed growing up and giving a new and different spin.  I like it when authors take something common that we all know and give it a twist.

So, what books would you share with others that would give them a better idea about you? 

The Self Scan Debate

 I know there has been a big debate about the whole self checkout thing. Many believe that it will eliminate jobs, and refuse to use it. I do not believe that this will be the case, at least not in my lifetime. 

For me, I prefer to use the self checkout when I do grocery shopping. I have a certain way that I want things bagged, and no matter what I do, the bagger or the cashier can't seem to do it to my standards. I try to politely explain what I want and even put my groceries on the belt in a way that makes it easier to bag, but it meets with lackluster success. To avoid the frustration of having to rebag everything after I have paid, I would rather do it by myself. By using the self scan, I can bag as I go along and relieve myself of that stress. Sadly, while the grocery store I shop at does have a self scan, it is limited to 20 items, which does not work if I am doing my usual shopping for 2 weeks worth of meals.

As to the whole elimination of jobs, I highly doubt that it will happen.  Self checkouts are machines and will still need to humans to deal with their idiosyncrasies.  I can not count the number of times that I actually use the self check out and have some glitch happen.  The scale doesn't read right, a price is wrong, the scanner happened to scan the item twice, the list is endless.  And when those errors happen, a human being has to come over to sign in and correct the error.  

I am also not fond of making the small talk with the cashier.  I work over 40 hours a week and honestly, I just want to get in, get what I need, and go home.  Also, I have worked retail over 10 years and the small talk is the most tedious.  You have to act like you care about what you are being told by the customer.

 Another thing about self checkouts is that it allows individuals that have neurodivergent issues to have that sense of independence without having the overwhelming anxiety of interacting with another person.  It does suck having any type of anxiety but when it is an extreme version, it can literally cause you to shut down completely.  It is important to have that independence, even in the smallest doses.  It does allow you to feel better about yourself.  

I see the pros and cons about having self checkouts.  I am not for having all self checkouts or having none.  I would prefer to give a good combination of each, properly manned so that people can get what they need. 

So, Who's This?

 Dating when you are an older person is just like when you are younger. However, it just doesn't sound right when you are in your 40s and you call the guy you are dating your boyfriend. Makes one sound like a teenager.

So, when you are older person, what do you call the person you are in a relationship with? Man friend makes it seems like he is your shopping buddy, so that really doesn't work. Could call him my friend, which he is, but the word friend is too broad a term. Lover seems to communicate that you are in it for mainly sex.

I think we need to come up with a term in English that can be used for us older folks in the dating world. Heck, I'm happy to use a non-English word as long as I can use it in the proper context.

Suggestions?

Dating & Sex

 When one walks a unfamiliar path in their life, thoughts can cross your mind that never had before. The path I walk is dating & sex after divorce. 

Don't get me wrong, I had a pretty active dating and sex life with my ex (yes, we will dated each other after marriage) and like all things, it changed over time.  You get used to seeing yourself through their eyes. The view changes when another enters the picture.

I had never considered myself beautiful or even pretty growing up due to traumas being inflicted upon me from inside my family group and out. It was hard to accept the compliments from those that I knew cared for me. And after my divorce, I had no way to view myself other than through my own eyes. I have had to work really hard on healing the traumas to see myself as pretty, and continue to work on to this day. Believe me, it has been a struggle, even with doing therapy when I could afford it.

Bit by bit, I have been able to see myself as somewhat cute & not ugly. Doing bellydancing has helped with that: embracing the beauty of the dance with my own body, which helped me see more beauty in myself.

Another step forward has been dating again. This man has been very different from the guys I have dated in the past, which has been a blessing in disguise. He tells me often that I am beautiful and sexy and somewhere deep inside the still damaged parts of my self esteem, my subconscious believes him. I still blush a bit when he says it but lately, I can almost see myself through his eyes. For that simple gift alone, he has become special to me.

Several weeks ago, I was struck by the thought of how pretty I looked when glancing at my reflection in the mirror. I felt a bit bashful saying that about myself but it didn't feel like a lie, only a truth. A truth that had been buried unders years of trauma and self hatred.

My hope is that this particular path will continue to help my inner beauty grow and shine more.

A Fuzzy Blessing

 It is amazing the trust animals give us. Gladys lost her previous owner and was locked in a cage, her fur cut short & bad teeth pulled. She did not know what the future held for her. She was curled in a ball on a soft bed when we first met. The sadness on her face just about broke my heart.

For almost a year, we have been family, Gladys and I. This sweet girl has opened up her heart to me and shown me such trust. She marks me has hers, cuddles with me, and chats with me every day.

It is said you know when a cat is comfortable around you when they lay in certain ways. Gladys does this with me all the time, even fully going to sleep on me. She lays on her side upon my chest, doing little kitty snorts and stretching out even more, mid-nap. 

I feel so blessed to have found Gladys. She brings me so much joy and it warms my very soul to feel the love & trust from her. I hope that she feels my love for her.

A Shadow Follows Me Now

 I always like to swing by Petsmart when I'm near it to give good juju to the kitties looking for new homes. Never did I know that I'd find my shadow this way.

Back in January, I had to make a trip to Target to get something. Petsmart is right next store so I did my usual: went in to give good juju to the kitties. I go to each one, reading their little stories. One story broke my heart when I read it, but I gave the good juju and went to get my shopping done.

Wandering around Target, my mind kept going back to her story. She was 9 years old, her owner went to hospice, and the owner's family took her to be put down. She was curled up in a ball in that cage and all I could think of was that she didn't deserve to be in that situation. The sad thing is, it is harder for older cats to get adopted. I couldn't stand it and said so out loud. I got what I needed & left. But I didn't go home.

Walking back into Petsmart, I went up to the cages and tried to find the application. I was going to take this beautiful girl home. I found the phone number, called it, and left a message.

About an hour later, I got a call. They asked if I really wanted to adopt her and I told them yes & how she would be loved and spoiled rotten in my home. The lady texted me the link to the application and I filled it out immediately. 

The next day, I got a call on my 1st break, asking when I could pick her up. I told them I would get her that night. The staff at Petsmart were so happy for my new, fuzzy daughter and for me that one of the ladies actually hugged me for rescuing her.

After a day, this sweet, beautiful ball of black fuzz was purring, loving on me, wanting pets, and following me everywhere. 

Meet my new daughter, Gladys. My darling girl and constant shadow. I love you my sweet girl and I know I'm so blessed to have found you.

Sleeping on me the day after I brought her home

I Can Dance to This

 For years, I have been wanting to learn how to belly dance. I started before Covid, but had to stop due to shutdowns. Luckily, I got to start back up late last year & it is as much fun as I remember.

The funny thing is that, the more I learn and practice, the more I feel I can do this style of dance with just about every song. My teacher said that it is common and that she actually has an excel sheet dedicated to possible dance songs.

So, taking her lead, I started my list. And here is the 1st song on the list: Sonne by Rammstien

Sonne by Rammstien

Dear Mother Bast

 Mother Bast

You have given me 2 of your precious children and I have loved them with every fiber of my being. 

I have cared for them the best that I have been able.

I sent my daughter to you a couple of years ago due to her illness and today I will be sending your son.

I mourn the loss of their beautiful presence in my home and my life.

Please take him into your arms with no pain, as you did his sister, knowing that he takes a piece of my heart with him.

May my children be reunited, healthy and happy.

May my heart remember only the good times.

May one day, when the time is right, my daughter's & son's spirit guide me to another of your children that needs me as much as I will need them.

A'ho

Gabby (left) with her brother Oscar

Dating Myself

 It has been five months since I went from married to single. I have always been around someone.  This is the 1st time I have been on my own, completely supporting myself, with no one to catch me if I fall.  I will admit, it still feels weird to me. Anytime I want to do something or buy something, my brain still takes a minute or two to register that I don't need to check with anyone about it.

They say that you should wait at least a year before going out into the dating world, to make sure that you can stand on your own two feet. That you are out there, not because you have to, but because you want to. You know that you are okay on your own.

Now me, I'm a bit of a homebody. Even if I do go out, it isn't for long or if it will be for a while, I will ask a pal along. Now, how am I to know more about me if I don't start dating myself first?
Here is the plan for my first date with myself:

*get a hair cut

*treat myself to lunch at a place I've never tried

*wander around the museum and admiring stuff I love

Maybe if I feel up to it, I might even be silly and go play some video games or I might just come home to a movie and cuddle session with my cat. Who knows? This is an experiment to get to know me better and I will also look good doing it, so make-up will be on and I will be rocking some of my favorite jewelry too.  Whether or not it goes well, I am sure I'll be learning something I didn't know before.

I'm Alright, Sometimes

 If I chose one word to describe 2022, it would be hell. I have experienced more, mentally and physically this year than I ever have in years past. And I get asked a lot about how I am doing. My response is that I'm alright. Sometimes, I silently add.

I have moments where I feel dumb, that I can't do this on my own, that I don't want to be strong anymore. If my body reflected the state of my mind right now, here is what you would see: bruises, some fresh and some healing

scrapes, raw and bleeding while others are stabbed

eyes, sunken, with tear tracks leading from them

If you see me, please give me a hug. I need them so much. Tell me about things. Please don't ask how I am. I am crawling along, leaving a trail of mental blood and physical tears behind me.

I'm doing alright, sometimes. 

Friends With an Ex?

 In life, we aren't always handed what we want.  Many go into marriage thinking that they have found the one that they are meant to be with for the rest of their time on Earth.  Sadly, this isn't always the case.

 

Don't get me wrong.  I firmly believe that people can get married once and stay with that one person for the rest of their lives, being truly happy.  I had counted myself as one of those lucky ones until something happened that caused it to end.  I won't explain it here since it is still very painful to think of, let alone talk about.  For those of you thinking that it was cheating, it was not.  But I will say this, something happened to cause the deep, forever love that I had for that person to break into millions of pieces and get swept away in the ocean of grief I found myself thrown into, and washed away into nothingness.

Why do I share this with you?  What could possibly be the point?  I share this because I spent some time talking with that very person today: my ex.  We got to talk, just him and I, without the input of people around us.  I still feel that he is a good guy and deserves to be loved again, just not by me the way that I used to.  I can only hope that he feels that way about me.  We both agreed we could be friends and I truly hope that we can be as time pulls us in different directions.  We both had a great impact on each other's lives, both positively and negatively, and I hope that only the positive stuff remains in our minds as we move on with our lives.

I was watching the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" and there was a line that mentioned something about past loves.  The character said that it was still okay to love that person, even though they were no longer a part of your life.  That every time you thought of them, to send them love and light, then let go.  So that is what I shall do.

A New Road to Travel Down

 In less than 20 days, something will happen in my life that I never would have imagined would happen to me.  I will be walking into the world with no partner at my side.  

 

Now, I know several people who have gone through this phase and all in different ways than mine.  How does one handle facing the the world as an individual rather than a pair? To be honest, I am a little nervous.  I have always had a person at my side to lean on when things got tough.  Now things will be done on my own.  It feels odd.

I'm open to any suggestions from those that have walked this path before.

Bett, Lit, Lizhko, Cama, Letta, Moega, Bed

My darling Bett,

I love your softness and the way you lift me up from the floor.

My amazing Lit,

You allow so much space for Oscar, Ms. Gorilla, Phoenix, Squishy Fox, and myself & you don't care how much we move around in the night.

My beloved Lizhko,

The softness of your sheets feels so nice against my skin as I drift off into Dreamland.

 

My hallowed Letta,

The way you allow me to rest upon you, day or night, with no judgement.

My treasured Moega,

The firm yet soft way your chocolate brown headboard supports me as I lean against it, lost in the pages of a good book.

My esteemed Cama,

I feel so safe when I am with you.

My revered Bed,

I treasure as such an important part of my life.  Thank you for all you do and all you will do for me.

moega - Samoan

bett - German

letta - Italian (feminine form)

lizhko - Ukranian

lit - French

cama - Spanish

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Writing prompt: Use your sense of humor to write a love letter to an object (not a person) or a thing you can't live without and what you love about it.) 

[image uploaded from Google]

From the Ashes

 I stand in a pile of ashes.  Those ashes are all that remain of the life I once knew.  Forces outside of my control have broken my world and burned it to the ground.  And I could do nothing but watch.  

Everything has changed.  I must rebuild and discover who I am again.  Who is the person that I see in the mirror every morning?  What makes her tick?  

Who am I, now that I have to stand alone?  What will I have to face without the strength of the love I once had? Will I be able to survive, to rebuild a stronger haven in which to rest from my trials and tribulations that the world throws at me?  

I am being told that I am strong, that I have done so much to recover in such a short amount of time.  It doesn't seem like it to me.  I am only doing what I need to do in order to make it to the next day.  Maybe that is what makes me strong: doing what I need to do in order for me and Oscar to survive and thrive.

I do not feel like I am in a tunnel of darkness any more, with the full fury of a train baring down upon me.  It feels like I am walking through a forest, at times dense and uncertain, sometimes sunlight streams gently through the canopy.

What the Mirror Reflects

What do you see when you look into the mirror? 

Does the reflection show you things you like? Things you don't like?

What is reflected in your eyes?

Can you see the good that others see? What others love?

Or do you only see what you despise? 

Can You Handle This?

 Friendship is an interesting thing to contemplate. We often think about what we want in a friend and in our friendships but how often do we think about the best thing about being your friend? 

We don't think about ourselves in a positive light, especially me. But I do make a good friend. Here is why:

1. If I consider you a friend, you are my family & I will stand by you.

2. You can always count on me to be honest with you, no matter what.

3. I like to make things for people I care about.

4. Fun mail (letters, postcards, little gifts)

So, wanna be my friend?

Ain't I Tasty?

 This week's prompt was a bit of a noodle scratcher. Marie selected "If you were going to design a pizza after yourself, what would be on it and what would each of those ingredients represent?"

Like her, I probably put too much thought into it. What ingredients represent me? My mind went blank. I could not think of clever responses for ingredients that I enjoy on occasion when the craving for pizza strikes. Talking with Lee about the prompt, he made an excellent point about going with one of my all time favorite pizzas: Canadian bacon and pineapple.

I can hear some of the disgust coming from you readers. But hear me out. This was a pizza much beloved during my childhood. And I'm not talking about the ham and pineapple pizza that so often poses as a Canadian bacon & pineapple. Canadian bacon and ham are NOT the same. The meat comes from two different parts of the pig.

 This particular pizza is not loved by all. Neither am I. It is different, a bit quirky, and liked by a select few that can appreciate it. So am I.