Admitting My Fear

I will admit that I am afraid.  I am afraid of losing my home and the life I have built with my family. I am afraid for the lives of my family, both of my heart and blood. I am afraid to what this illness will do to the people of this world.

It is okay to admit that I am afraid.  Every day, I will have to face those fears and I will have 2 choices: to give in or to fight it. My choice is to fight against the fear. Some days, it will not be easy and fear may win every now and again. But it will not win always.

When I can, I shall hold space for those that fear is trying to concur. May peace come to us all.

Watch Her Burn

The candle is lit at both ends
Yet she keeps going.
The wax drips onto tattered remains
Health, social life, hobbies, love
Yet she keeps going.
They ask and ask and ask
She gives, gives, gives
Life giving energy spilled onto barren soil
Yet she keeps going.

A stumble, she falls into the darkness
Reaches out for help
No hands pick her up.
She calls out
Only the wind answers her back.
Bruised, battered, bleeding
She shuffles back into the light.
No one sees the blood & bruises
Yet she keeps going.

Sit there, watch her burn
Yet she keeps going.
The hope is there
Someday, someone will tell her to stop
Then she will be able to rest, to heal.
Until that time, she keeps going.

What's In A Name

I got to thinking about names the other day and how they are used, especially when we are younger. I could always tell how little or how much trouble I was in by the way my mom said my name. I came up with four different levels.

Level 1: First name was shouted but no major anger was behind it.
Definition: Come here, you are needed.

Level 2: First name shouted with some anger behind it.
Definition: You are in trouble. Need to get to the room where your name was shouted before you get into more trouble.

Level 3: First and middle name has been shouted.
Definition: You are in some serious trouble. Expect some type of discipline.

Level 4: First, middle, and last name (full legal name) has been shouted.
Definition: You are dead meat. Time to write your will.

Would you add any other levels or definitions?

Culinary Aventures with Kit Kats

So my good friend Marie loves to send me interesting things and this newest gift that arrived in the mail is no exception. She sent me a movie and a bag of mini Kit Kat bars; 16 of them to be exact. They aren't your ordinary Kit Kats; they are flavors that appear in Japan.

Unknown Kit Kat #1

Upon opening, the Kit Kat was a green tea color with no real strong smell. Ironically enough, green tea was the flavor. It wasn't bad, just a strong flavor, similar to a stongly brewed macha green tea. Lee declined to try this one.

Unknown Kit Kat #2

This one had a sandwich picture on it. It smelled chocolaty with a touch of peanut butter. Didn't taste too different than a traditional Kit Kat. Lee tried this one and agreed that it was pretty good.

Unknown Kit Kat #3

The package had no pictures, just writing. This one was a dark green in color and smelled like green tea. It also tasted like strong green tea, very much like unknown Kit Kat #1. Lee again declined to taste it.

Unknown Kit Kat #4

The package just had a picture of an apple on it. It was the traditional Kit Kat chocolate brown and did have the strong smell of an apple. It tasted as if you took the green apple Jolly Rancher flavor and infused it into the chocolate. It wasn't bad, just unusual. Lee didn't want to try this one either since he isn't a big fan of apples.

Unknown Kit Kat #5

I was a little worried to try this one since I was worried it would be really spicy but it didn't smell like it. It was covered in white chocolate and smelled a bit like hazelnut. It tasted like it too. Even though it didn't taste bad, I don't think that I'd want to eat a big one since hazelnut reminds me too much of coffee (since it is paired so much with it). I was the only one who ate it.

Unknown Kit Kat #6

This one had a leaf shaped cookie that looked to have a chocolate filling. It was covered with a chocolate that looked beige in color and had a nutty smell. It tasted a bit nutty as well but I couldn't place the taste. Either way, it was pretty good.

Unknown Kit Kat #7

This package was solid black and smelled like dark chocolate. It tasted like dark chocolate as well but not the normal kind. It tasted like it was one of the higher percentages. Either way, both Lee and I enjoyed this one.

Unknown Kit Kat #8

A lavender colored Kit Kat awaited me under this purple wrapper with its purple frosted cookie. It really didn't have a smell but when I bit into it, it had a flavor of white chocolate mixed with a touch of blueberry. It was tasty but since I said it had a blueberry flavor, Lee declined to try it.

Unknown Kit Kat #9

Can we say how bold the letters are on this red package? I'm not sure that I could have figured out that it was a Kit Kat (read that last sentence with as much sarcasm as you can). Anyways, this one was an original Kit Kat.

Unknown Kit Kat #10

The picture that was on this package looked to be a slice of cheesecake with a strawberry drizzle on it. The flavor was a bit like a cheesecake chocolate so it wasn't too bad. Cheesecake is a hard flavor to replicate well in chocolate. Lee didn't want to try it.

Unknown Kit Kat #11

Thanks to a coworker of mine, she informed me that the writing on this particular Kit Kat was wasabi. Never having wasabi before but knowing of it's heat, ot made me a bit nervous to try it. It was a pale green in color with no particular smell. When I ate it, there was no spiciness, just a bit of gritty white chocolate. Lee declined to try it.

Unknown Kit Kat #12

So no pictures on this one but when I opened it, it smelled a lot like watermelon. The chocolate was also a pale pink. I do have to admit that it tasted like watermelon as well. It was a very unusual taste. Lee didn't want to try it.

Unknown Kit Kat #13

So this one sported a picture of a wine filled glass paired with raisins. The candy was covered in white chocolate & smelled of raisins. It definitely tasted of raisins too. Not one I would care to eat again. I like raisins, just not raisin flavored chocolate.

Unknown Kit Kat #14

Can we say green tea number 3? Same flavor as unknown Kit Kats 1 and 3. Rather strong. Don't think the green tea ones are my cup of tea. (Get it? Ha!)

Unknown Kit Kat #15

This one, based on the picture, I figured would taste like black tea. Opening the package up & seeing the color of the chocolate made me not sure I wanted to taste it. It was baby poop green. It smelled like tea and tastes like licking black tea leaves. Such a strong flavor. Lee laughed at the face I made while trying a bite.

Unknown Kit Kat #16

The last one of the bag. It was pink in color and smelled like strawberry. It tasted pretty good. Sort of reminded me of those pink wafer cookies I had when I was a kid that came in a pack with chocolate & vanilla. Since Lee is not a strawberry fan, so I didn't offer to share.

So this is the end of my Kit Kat adventure. It was a definite ride for my tastebuds. Don't think I want to eat all of these again but it was fun to try new things.

And Then, Kindness Came Unexpectedly

When you are an individual that doesn't get noticed much or gets swept under the rug or is the odd man out, it is a rare jewel to receive news that a person fought back for you.

To set the scene, last week I had a major allergy attack. Not just the sinus congestion and runny nose, but raw throat with muscle & joint aches that make you feel like you have been run over by a mac truck. I did what I always do, took some meds and went to work. Not the best thing I could have done since it felt like my brain was floating in a vat of stupid. I did my best that day but towards the end, I was dragging. I was doing everything I could to keep moving because I knew if I stopped, it was very unlikely that I would be able to get going again. Apparently, what I was doing wasn't enough because I got my ass chewed by one of my managers. After that, I felt rather broken.

I learned earlier today that a dear associate friend of mine that I love to work with, Ann, told me what she told the same manager how much the store needed me and how I didn't deserve what I had received that night. When she told me that, it almost made me cry. It was something that I needed to hear & was so wonderful to have someone come to my defense.  Ann has been a wonderful person to work with and we have become good friends.

That one, simple act of kindness made the world in which I dwell a little less darker. So to you my dear Ann, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming to my defense. Your kindness & friendship will always be cherished my dear friend. You always have my love.

Lead Me Into New Worlds

When I was a kid, I loved to read just about anything I could get my hands on. I still am an avid reader. Since I didn't have a job as a kid and my birthday was only once a year, I couldn't get all the books I wanted, I had to get books another way. Luckily, my mom had moved into a house not far from a local public library.

That wonderful building was my entrance to countless worlds. My favorite part was wandering up and down the aisles, gazing over the multitude of book spines, pulling down every book that called out to me. I got to slay vampires, create mummies, swim with fishes, and visit new planets. Non fiction and fiction books were equal in my eyes.

My mom knew that if I wasn't at the house, I was at the library. If I could have slept there, I probably would have. To this day, I can't even drive past a library without wanting to go in and wander the aisles.

Don't Stare Into the Beam

Due to some issues with my knee, I got to experience my first MRI yesterday. It wasn't bad. The nurses were nice and the scrubs they gave me to wear weren't itchy & actually quite comfortable. The weird part is how time passes during the procedure.

Obviously you can not wear any metal whatsoever, so keeping your watch or fitbit on is out of the question. You are told to lie as still as possible, so turning your head to look for a clock is out of the question. They do give you music to listen to, or at least the place I went to did. I was given my choice of music, so I selected rock.

I put the headphones on as they put me into the machine. The person before me was listening to country, so I listened to about half of a song before the music style changed. During the course of the procedure, I listened to six and a half rock songs. If you figure that the average song is about 3 to 3.5 minutes long, you can get a decent gauge on how long you have been in the machine. If we go off that math, I was in the machine for about 7 songs (0.5 country + 6.5 rock). Three to 3.5 minutes per song puts me at 21 to 24.5 minutes. Lee would have been so proud of me mathing during my procedure.  Music does make the procedure go by faster, so it makes me wonder if they were able to provide music to those people who needed to have an MRI when the device first came into use.


(Side note: the title of this blog entry came from a note on the MRI machine that was almost right above my head. Not sure what beam they were talking about & I forgot to ask when the procedure was over.)