The Day That Hell Froze Over

I have been an outcast my entire life.  Now that I am an adult, I don't mind so much.  I have people who like me for me and I don't have to pretend.  Now, this has not always been the case.

Many people would agree that high school wasn`'t the greatest time for them and I would be one of them.  I went to high school in the late 90's and it was a very dark time in my life.  I have often said that there is not enough money in the world to get me to go back through that experience again.  There wasn't a lot of talking about anti-bullying, especially at my high school.  I was bullied a great deal during that time period.

The interesting thing about my bullying was that it wasn't the popular girls that tortured me.  In fact, they were friendly and treated me nicely.  It was the popular boys that made my high school life hell, four of them being the main culprits.  I had my hair pulled, things taken off my desk, but the verbal abuse was the worst part.

In my moments of logical thinking, I went to my English teacher to ask to be moved, which was denied simply because he didn't want to mess up his seating chart.  I went to my vice principal to report the abuse (my school was very big so we had four VPs and you went to a certain one based on your last name) and she reprimanded me for kissing my boyfriend off school property before school started.  It got so bad, that I contemplated suicide several times, getting to the point where I was holding a knife to my wrist.  I was luckier than most people suffering from bullies and I escaped high school with my life intact and some mid-level scarring to the psyche.

The reason why I share this painful part of my past with you is something happened last week that brought a lot of these memories of abuse to my mind.  I received a letter, addressed to me but under my maiden name.  I didn't recognize the name or the return address but curiosity got the best of me.  After reading it, the shock was so great that I felt weak in the knees and had to sit down.  It was a letter from one of my bullies, one of the main ones in fact.

The letter went like this (edited for privacy reasons):
I am writing this letter in the hope that it reaches (my name).  You and I were classmates together at (my high school) in the late 90's.  The intent of this letter is not to reconnect with you, we were not close.  I more accurately terrorized you in school.  I said all kinds of hurtful and insensitive things about your family.  I am writing to you now not to revisit that pain and suffering, but to ask for  forgiveness.  The way I acted towards you was solely my inability to behave and act appropriately.  You were completely innocent of any of the negative attention that was directed towards you.  If there is ever anything I can do to make it up to you please do not hesitate to ask.
Sincerely,
(my bully)

You hear of things like this happening, especially in this age of mass media, but it is something that you never expect to happen to you.  My first thought was "why now?" but then it hit me.  It doesn't matter that it happened now.  The point is that he was taking responsibility for what he had done to me in the past and was apologizing for it.  I do plan on writing him back, to let him know that his letter was received and that his apology was accepted.  It takes a lot to admit a mistake and even more to admit that mistake to another person & seek them out for forgiveness.






(Picture credit: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/3f/59/57/3f5957c800df66f4383fe691457eb235.jpg)

Then the Darkness Comes

As I sit here writing this now, I feel that I must explain that I do not write it for sympathy.  I write it simply to purge myself of the feelings that are attempting to swallow me whole.  

What does one do when something becomes to unbearable to deal with any longer?  Do you walk away, leaving behind all that you know so that you can be free of the burden?  I hate to say this but walking away does nothing but make it harder for you to face because you then have to walk back to the issue to face it head on. 

But what if the issue is one that doesn't cause you physical pain, but spiritual and emotional?  The only physical pain is the pain you give yourself, trying to fight the feelings the issue raises.  Sadly, the physical pain that you give yourself can only override the internal pain for so long.  Soon it returns, more painful and damaging than ever.

How does one cope with it all?  Do you surrender to the darkness, letting it consume everything that you worked so hard for or do you continue to fight back against it, knowing that it will continue to cause you pain?

I ask these questions, not looking for an answer, merely to speak them aloud since they are running so strongly within my head right now.  The darkness has arrived and I'm not sure if the small spot of light in the distance is the pure light that I so desperately need or if it is the train coming to take me out of this existence known as this life by hitting me head on.

When the Book is Not Better Than the Movie

 As an avid reader, I love getting lost in a good book.  I'll even get excited when a favorite of mine is being made into a movie.  Even if the movie is done well, I will still favor the book over the movie.  Very rarely will there be a time that I like the movie more than the book.  I believe, at the current count, there is only four movies that I like better than the book.

 The first book is The Princess Bride.  Now I will admit that I saw the movie first before I read the book, but like any good reader, I approached the text like I had never seen the movie. (Plus, it came with the anniversary edition of the dvd and how could I say no to a free book?) No offense to the author, but oh dear lord was the text boring.  I struggled to finish it.  It was very dry and I felt myself getting distracted every time I went to read it.

This is another book where I saw the movie before reading the text.  Now, while the text was enjoyable, for the most part, there are certain things that just put me off the text.  I won't go into all of them here, but the main one was the zombie "sex" scene.  I understand that it was to make R jealous but the visual that it evokes is one that sticks in your head for years to come (and not in a pleasant way).

Now, the movie had come out by the time that I had heard of the book.  I had seen previews of the movie, which seemed interesting, but I was determined to read the book before I watched the movie.  This particular book barely made this list since I did like it but not enough to keep in in my personal collection and reread it again and again. The movie, on the other hand, I could watch multiple times and still be amused by it.

The last book was a book I read in college for a reading course.  It was cute but it felt flat to me.  It read more like someone's thought process rather than an adventure.  There is one part I liked in the book that I felt should have been placed into the book.  Ella's fairy godmother finally realizes the error in the "gifts" she had given to Ella and others in the past and punishes herself by going through the same experiences.











Picture credits
book w/ glasses: http://cdn-media-2.lifehack.org/wp-content/files/2015/08/Reading-Glasses-On-Book-With-Hot-Tea-Drink1.jpg
The Help: https://coilycrowns.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/the-help.jpg
The Princess Bride: https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/P/0345348036.jpg
Warm Bodies: http://thebooksmugglers.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/Warm+Bodies.jpg
Ella Enchanted: http://cdn.skim.gs/images/x03qencqew1tnghz76xa/books-for-girls-em-ella-enchanted-em-1