Dating & Sex

 When one walks a unfamiliar path in their life, thoughts can cross your mind that never had before. The path I walk is dating & sex after divorce. 

Don't get me wrong, I had a pretty active dating and sex life with my ex (yes, we will dated each other after marriage) and like all things, it changed over time.  You get used to seeing yourself through their eyes. The view changes when another enters the picture.

I had never considered myself beautiful or even pretty growing up due to traumas being inflicted upon me from inside my family group and out. It was hard to accept the compliments from those that I knew cared for me. And after my divorce, I had no way to view myself other than through my own eyes. I have had to work really hard on healing the traumas to see myself as pretty, and continue to work on to this day. Believe me, it has been a struggle, even with doing therapy when I could afford it.

Bit by bit, I have been able to see myself as somewhat cute & not ugly. Doing bellydancing has helped with that: embracing the beauty of the dance with my own body, which helped me see more beauty in myself.

Another step forward has been dating again. This man has been very different from the guys I have dated in the past, which has been a blessing in disguise. He tells me often that I am beautiful and sexy and somewhere deep inside the still damaged parts of my self esteem, my subconscious believes him. I still blush a bit when he says it but lately, I can almost see myself through his eyes. For that simple gift alone, he has become special to me.

Several weeks ago, I was struck by the thought of how pretty I looked when glancing at my reflection in the mirror. I felt a bit bashful saying that about myself but it didn't feel like a lie, only a truth. A truth that had been buried unders years of trauma and self hatred.

My hope is that this particular path will continue to help my inner beauty grow and shine more.

A Fuzzy Blessing

 It is amazing the trust animals give us. Gladys lost her previous owner and was locked in a cage, her fur cut short & bad teeth pulled. She did not know what the future held for her. She was curled in a ball on a soft bed when we first met. The sadness on her face just about broke my heart.

For almost a year, we have been family, Gladys and I. This sweet girl has opened up her heart to me and shown me such trust. She marks me has hers, cuddles with me, and chats with me every day.

It is said you know when a cat is comfortable around you when they lay in certain ways. Gladys does this with me all the time, even fully going to sleep on me. She lays on her side upon my chest, doing little kitty snorts and stretching out even more, mid-nap. 

I feel so blessed to have found Gladys. She brings me so much joy and it warms my very soul to feel the love & trust from her. I hope that she feels my love for her.

A Shadow Follows Me Now

 I always like to swing by Petsmart when I'm near it to give good juju to the kitties looking for new homes. Never did I know that I'd find my shadow this way.

Back in January, I had to make a trip to Target to get something. Petsmart is right next store so I did my usual: went in to give good juju to the kitties. I go to each one, reading their little stories. One story broke my heart when I read it, but I gave the good juju and went to get my shopping done.

Wandering around Target, my mind kept going back to her story. She was 9 years old, her owner went to hospice, and the owner's family took her to be put down. She was curled up in a ball in that cage and all I could think of was that she didn't deserve to be in that situation. The sad thing is, it is harder for older cats to get adopted. I couldn't stand it and said so out loud. I got what I needed & left. But I didn't go home.

Walking back into Petsmart, I went up to the cages and tried to find the application. I was going to take this beautiful girl home. I found the phone number, called it, and left a message.

About an hour later, I got a call. They asked if I really wanted to adopt her and I told them yes & how she would be loved and spoiled rotten in my home. The lady texted me the link to the application and I filled it out immediately. 

The next day, I got a call on my 1st break, asking when I could pick her up. I told them I would get her that night. The staff at Petsmart were so happy for my new, fuzzy daughter and for me that one of the ladies actually hugged me for rescuing her.

After a day, this sweet, beautiful ball of black fuzz was purring, loving on me, wanting pets, and following me everywhere. 

Meet my new daughter, Gladys. My darling girl and constant shadow. I love you my sweet girl and I know I'm so blessed to have found you.

Sleeping on me the day after I brought her home

I Can Dance to This

 For years, I have been wanting to learn how to belly dance. I started before Covid, but had to stop due to shutdowns. Luckily, I got to start back up late last year & it is as much fun as I remember.

The funny thing is that, the more I learn and practice, the more I feel I can do this style of dance with just about every song. My teacher said that it is common and that she actually has an excel sheet dedicated to possible dance songs.

So, taking her lead, I started my list. And here is the 1st song on the list: Sonne by Rammstien

Sonne by Rammstien

Dear Mother Bast

 Mother Bast

You have given me 2 of your precious children and I have loved them with every fiber of my being. 

I have cared for them the best that I have been able.

I sent my daughter to you a couple of years ago due to her illness and today I will be sending your son.

I mourn the loss of their beautiful presence in my home and my life.

Please take him into your arms with no pain, as you did his sister, knowing that he takes a piece of my heart with him.

May my children be reunited, healthy and happy.

May my heart remember only the good times.

May one day, when the time is right, my daughter's & son's spirit guide me to another of your children that needs me as much as I will need them.

A'ho

Gabby (left) with her brother Oscar

Dating Myself

 It has been five months since I went from married to single. I have always been around someone.  This is the 1st time I have been on my own, completely supporting myself, with no one to catch me if I fall.  I will admit, it still feels weird to me. Anytime I want to do something or buy something, my brain still takes a minute or two to register that I don't need to check with anyone about it.

They say that you should wait at least a year before going out into the dating world, to make sure that you can stand on your own two feet. That you are out there, not because you have to, but because you want to. You know that you are okay on your own.

Now me, I'm a bit of a homebody. Even if I do go out, it isn't for long or if it will be for a while, I will ask a pal along. Now, how am I to know more about me if I don't start dating myself first?
Here is the plan for my first date with myself:

*get a hair cut

*treat myself to lunch at a place I've never tried

*wander around the museum and admiring stuff I love

Maybe if I feel up to it, I might even be silly and go play some video games or I might just come home to a movie and cuddle session with my cat. Who knows? This is an experiment to get to know me better and I will also look good doing it, so make-up will be on and I will be rocking some of my favorite jewelry too.  Whether or not it goes well, I am sure I'll be learning something I didn't know before.

I'm Alright, Sometimes

 If I chose one word to describe 2022, it would be hell. I have experienced more, mentally and physically this year than I ever have in years past. And I get asked a lot about how I am doing. My response is that I'm alright. Sometimes, I silently add.

I have moments where I feel dumb, that I can't do this on my own, that I don't want to be strong anymore. If my body reflected the state of my mind right now, here is what you would see: bruises, some fresh and some healing

scrapes, raw and bleeding while others are stabbed

eyes, sunken, with tear tracks leading from them

If you see me, please give me a hug. I need them so much. Tell me about things. Please don't ask how I am. I am crawling along, leaving a trail of mental blood and physical tears behind me.

I'm doing alright, sometimes.