When one walks a unfamiliar path in their life, thoughts can cross your mind that never had before. The path I walk is dating & sex after divorce.
Don't get me wrong, I had a pretty active dating and sex life with my ex (yes, we will dated each other after marriage) and like all things, it changed over time. You get used to seeing yourself through their eyes. The view changes when another enters the picture.
I had never considered myself beautiful or even pretty growing up due to traumas being inflicted upon me from inside my family group and out. It was hard to accept the compliments from those that I knew cared for me. And after my divorce, I had no way to view myself other than through my own eyes. I have had to work really hard on healing the traumas to see myself as pretty, and continue to work on to this day. Believe me, it has been a struggle, even with doing therapy when I could afford it.
Bit by bit, I have been able to see myself as somewhat cute & not ugly. Doing bellydancing has helped with that: embracing the beauty of the dance with my own body, which helped me see more beauty in myself.
Another step forward has been dating again. This man has been very different from the guys I have dated in the past, which has been a blessing in disguise. He tells me often that I am beautiful and sexy and somewhere deep inside the still damaged parts of my self esteem, my subconscious believes him. I still blush a bit when he says it but lately, I can almost see myself through his eyes. For that simple gift alone, he has become special to me.
Several weeks ago, I was struck by the thought of how pretty I looked when glancing at my reflection in the mirror. I felt a bit bashful saying that about myself but it didn't feel like a lie, only a truth. A truth that had been buried unders years of trauma and self hatred.
My hope is that this particular path will continue to help my inner beauty grow and shine more.
